Don’t Forget About the Joy in Parenting

Photo by Mieke Campbell on Unsplash

One of the essential pieces of parenting is joy.

One of the essential pieces of parenting that we often forget about is joy. Parents are at times overwhelmed with all the opinions, theories, research, and books that get hurled at us, and we forget about the joy of parenting. After all, what’s the point if we are not finding joy in interacting with and raising these future adults? 

I know there are hard times, times of chaos and messiness and stress. Sometimes, they are fast times, and sometimes they seem to last a long time. My children are now in their 20s, and I truly enjoy the adults they have become. My husband and I marvel at the fact that these are the same kids who sometimes drove us wild, and at the many doubts we had about them in the past. 

When we were raising our young kids, educators, therapists, and experts recommended a series of books with escalating titles: Raising Your Spirited Child, The Difficult Child, and finally The Explosive Child. All thoughtful and comprehensive books. I learned from those books we read when our kids were younger. They had valuable insights. They also caused me anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. We were so fixated on ‘fixing’ our kids that we lost sight of enjoying them! 

The recent article in the New York Times by Madeleine Schwartz about competing parenting philosophies got me thinking about how overwhelming and complicated parenting can be, especially when we lose sight of the child in front of us. When we get caught up in philosophy and what’s right and wrong on a large scale, we forget that parenting is an ever-changing set of skills that we need to build and strengthen as the child before us changes and develops. We forget that parenting is very individualized depending on the child and the family in front of us at that moment. The joy of everyday parenting gets hidden. No matter the child, no matter the parent, there should be joy!

How Do We Remember to Find Joy?

We will make mistakes as parents. I believe that each moment is a fresh start to do better and be better. Stay present and keep the long view. You are meeting your child at this moment and thinking about the adult you want them to be when they are 30 years old. It’s a balance. 

Some Tips for Joy:

• Take time to know your child.
• Develop ways to practice being calm.
• Observe them when they are immersed in something. Don’t interrupt, just watch.
• Smile at them.
• Laugh with them when you can. 
• Ask them about themselves: What do you like? What do you not like? 
• Do things side by side. Almost like parallel play. Cook together. Read your own books side by side. Clean together. 
• Be curious. With old judgment. Your child may have elements of you, and yet they are not you. Try to enjoy what’s different and what’s the same. 

Parenting is a spirited, difficult, and sometimes explosive journey, as the books tell us. It is also a joyful one! Remember to take the time to find these moments and linger in them. These are the memories I remember most from my childhood as an adult. Of course, I have hard and complicated memories as well. Yet I revel in those small, joyful moments of laughter, smiles, and fun, no matter how insignificant they may have seemed at the time. They somehow stuck in my mind and bring a smile to my face even today.