Identify and Leverage Your Child’s Strengths

What are my child’s strengths?

Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

What are my child’s strengths? Sometimes we are so focused on what goes wrong in parenting, and the mistakes we make and our children make, that it is hard to focus on the good stuff! And yet a strengths-based approach is essential for growth and change! 

When my children were younger, I remember my attention being drawn to the negative and the problematic. I would come home from work and immediately notice if the backpacks and shoes were yet again left in disarray at the door. This would lead me to comment to my kids: “Why did you leave your backpacks and shoes all over the hallway again?” A negative spiral of communication would ensue. It also led me to overlook that they were actually doing their homework and being productive at that moment. 

Why should we focus on strengths?

Focusing on our own strengths and those of our children helps us to work from a place where the muscles are already strong. Our strengths are the things we have practiced a lot, and we have built muscle memory in them. Why not start there? 

What would it be like for me to come home, take a pause, look around and notice that my kids were quietly and thoughtfully engaged in their school work? Then, I could say: “I notice you are both working so hard on your homework and you are so focused.” This might lead to a different pattern of communication. When we name a strength and identify a positive behavior, our kids are more likely to repeat that behavior. 

Focusing on strengths helps our children notice what they are doing well. When we call out and name what they are doing well, they might do it again! 

How do we refocus our lens on strength?

By focusing on our children’s strengths, we can help them flourish—and stop being so critical and worried.

–Lea Waters, How to Be a Strength Based Parent

Lea Waters writes, in the Greater Good Magazine, that focusing on our children’s strengths can help our kids grow and thrive, especially when we are veering away from being critical.

Identify and name your child’s strengths. 

• Watch and observe your child. 
• Where do they find joy? 
• When do they seem engaged? 
• What positive behaviors are you noticing? Name them out loud.
• When do they display independent behaviors (doing things on their own)? 

Be a detective, and soon you will identify the key strengths in your child. As a parent, you know your child best. Look for the positive behaviors and name them. These behaviors are often linked to their strengths. Maybe they love to draw, paint, or build. That could mean creativity is a strength. How do these strengths show up in your family life? Look for ways that your child’s strengths make themselves visible in their behaviors. You are creating a sort of ‘love list’ about your child!

Are you looking at a strength and seeing a deficit?

Often times as parents, we misidentify our child’s strengths as a deficit. This may happen when a child is very different from us. Maybe they learn differently or engage with the world differently. We think we do not understand them. Sometimes, the opposite happens. We think, they are just like me so I know how they think, feel, and learn. In fact, our kids are their own individual humans with their own ways of learning, thinking, and feeling. Of course, they are growing up with our guidance and genetics are in play so there are familiarities. 

We may think they are lazy, when in fact they are keen observers who take their time to process the world around them. We may think that they are disobedient or do not follow the rules, when in actuality, they are creative and independent and see a different path to move forward than we do. Maybe they are constantly talking and asking questions. Curiosity could be a strength. Maybe they are seemingly stubborn or strong-willed. Being grounded in their own beliefs and independence is probably a strength. Remember that the behavior may at times feel irritating or negative, but it can be a strength they are leaning into as well. We can identify and name the strength as a first step to helping them adjust their behavior.

Some Helpful Tips:

• Post on the fridge or carry a photo of your child in a happy moment to remind you of how they are in their joyful times.
• When you begin to feel the frustration creeping up in your body, think of a memory of your child in a happy moment. Your steady presence is essential.
• List their strengths and post them. Add to them as they grow. Share these with your child. 
• Talk about how their strengths show up in family life and behaviors. No judgement. Just observation.
• Talk about your own strengths in the same way. Name and claim your strengths. How do they help you? How do they show up? How do they sometimes not help you?

I believe parents know their children best. Observe and reflect. Create your love list. You will get to know them even better, and you will get to know them through their strengths, which can be a powerful and positive experience for both you and your child.