Equanimity is a Path to Maintaining Calm

Equanimity can lead to balance.

Photo by Jeppe H. Jensen on Unsplash

What is Equanimity?

Equanimity is defined as an evenness of mind, especially under stress, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary. As a leader, this is an essential strategic leadership quality. As a parent, you are a leader in the home, and it’s not only an essential skill to practice but also a way to model, observe, connect with your child, and practice empathy. 

Equanimity does not mean being aloof or detached. It means you still have feelings and compassion, and you are a steady and balanced presence that can see options and can support the people around you. When I can practice equanimity, I can observe what’s happening around me. I can see options and choices. I am not hijacked by my feelings. My frontal lobe has not been taken over by the amygdala. 

How Does Equanimity Impact Parenting?

Cindy Goldrich states the importance of staying calm and connected as a parent in her books and workshops with families and educators. Goldrich talks about how maintaining calm, even amidst chaos, can lead to a calmer home environment where your children can thrive. I agree as an educator, leader, and parent!

In my work as a parent coach, I partner with parents and caregivers to find ways to develop their own calming strategies that work for them. Everyone is different. We all experience chaos, change, and challenges in different ways, so we need to develop our own skills and methods to get to equanimity. As adults, we have the opportunity to model these skills for our kids.

Some Tips for Practicing Equanimity

• Notice your body first. What does it feel like in your body when you are no longer calm or balanced. Does your temperature rise? Do your muscles tighten? Do you clench your jaw or your hands? Does your voice get louder? What does it look like and feel like for you in your body?
• Develop and practice strategies outside of the chaos moment. Strengthen this muscle when you don’t need it urgently, then it becomes more accessible when you do!
• Experiment with strategies and see what works for you. Try breathing exercises. Try changing your temperature with ice or a cold glass of water; a quick break to reset might work for you. Maybe distraction is a technique you will find effective. You won’t know until you try. 
• Share with your child. Encourage your child to try some of these with you, not in the moment of chaos or high emotions. This is where you can be a model. Share what works for you and what happens to your body when you get upset. Ask them what happens for them.

When you are calm and balanced, you model for your child how to face times of uncertainty and chaos. You have choices and so do they. When you are calm, you can observe your child and notice their behaviors, feelings, and words more accurately. This is data. If you are maintaining calm, you are better able to support your child and see what they need in the moment. You can think strategically about the skill you are trying to build in your child and what this exact moment requires of you. 

Take time to reflect. Did that work? Did it not work? What will I try next time to calm down? If you have someone you trust and will hold you to your integrity, ask for feedback. Then listen to them. 

Be patient with yourself. Developing skills to show up with equanimity is a lifelong and iterative practice. It is a worthwhile pursuit with great results, not just for you but for those around you.