Equanimity and Empathy: A Powerful Pairing
A lotus flower sitting above the mud below.
Photo by Alfonso Betancourt on Unsplash
As a leader and a parent, staying steady in the face of chaos, while also understanding how others feel, is a superpower that I strive to cultivate. This is practicing the powerful pairing of equanimity and empathy. It’s about bringing a steady and stable presence even when the world around you is swirling, while trying to understand what others are going through. Sometimes I am more successful than others.
Equanimity
Equanimity is characterized by the ability to remain calm, composed, open, and non-reactive in the face of challenging or distressing situations.
Positive Psychology
This image of the lotus flower helps me think of equanimity. The lotus flower sits in glorious beauty and yet underneath is mud and roots. It needs all those things to exist. It looks steady and calm above the muddy and murky waters.
Equanimity is not about ignoring the chaos. This is a common misconception. When practicing equanimity, it is vital to practice empathy as well. As a leader with many direct reports, it was important to build trust and validate people’s feelings, especially when things felt upside down. As a parent, it’s important to consider what your child is feeling and try to understand their perceptions. Then, you can move forward in a steady way to examine your choices, and make decisions. As a parent, this was a more challenging process as my connection to my kids’ well-being is so strong. And yet, if I could begin with empathy and and then move forward, I was more able to stay grounded and see a path ahead.
Empathy
Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.
The Greater Good Science center, at the University of California, Berkeley
Empathy is understanding and being aware of how someone else is feeling. This is a helpful skill when relating to people at work and to our children at home. When you can understand where someone is coming from or what they might be feeling, you are better able to define an underlying issue, see patterns in behavior, and see possible solutions. A helpful question that I use to practice empathy is, ‘What is the belief behind the behavior?’. This question helps me dig into what the other person might be experiencing or perceiving. One of the blind spots I watch for when practicing empathy is to be aware of over connecting with someone in a way that ends up not being helpful. This is where the equanimity can be a powerful partner. Staying steady and centered, like the lotus flower, when others are experiencing big emotions can lead to solutions and understanding.
Some questions to consider when pairing equanimity and empathy:
- What strategies help me stay calm when things are chaotic? (breathing, walking, drinking cold water) Identify and practice what works for you.
- What is the belief behind the behavior?
- What is the actual issue here? Think big and strategically.
- Whose problem and/or issue is this? Then…What skill can I help build in that person?
- What role do I play here in this moment? (listener, supporter, mentor) Notice patterns.
- What role could I play in a future moment, not in the chaos, that can still have an impact on the future?
Practicing equanimity and empathy also allows me to be more strategic as a leader and a parent. Being steady in the chaos can help me broaden my lens, get the strategic helicopter view, and see all angles of the situation. I am more able to think longterm and make decisions that consider the future as well as the present. There is power in showing empathy and compassion and seeing possibilities to move forward. It takes practice and reflection. You need to find the methods that work for you to pair these powerful skills. Over time, this powerful pairing can lead to effective, intentional, and thoughtful change.
