Enabling Or Supporting?
Photo by Sierra Koder on Unsplash
Enabling holds people down, and supporting lifts people.
Enabling holds people down, and supporting lifts people. When we lean into enabling rather than supporting as parents, there is no path to independence. When we lean into supporting instead of enabling, we are creating a path to independence. The teacher of my parent coaching course made a clear distinction between enabling and supporting. She defined enabling as doing things for others with no plan for their future independence. Supporting is helping someone with a plan to help them build a specific skill towards independence.
Enabling is the shadow side of being supportive. If we just repeatedly do things for others with no long-term plan for them to learn or do for themselves, then we are enabling. Supporting is showing, helping, guiding folks towards developing a skill, and eventually doing this skill independently. Supporting is at the core of being a coach. I want my clients to develop skills and become independent.
Enabling as a Parent
When I was parenting young children and teenagers, I often did things for them. I found it easier to do it myself, and I wanted things done a certain way. I did not realize at the time that this was a form of enabling. For example, if they did not have an opportunity to learn to do their own laundry or clean the bathroom, when would they learn these skills and be independent? I wanted my kids to be independent and build these skills, but I was not giving them a chance to practice and develop those muscles.
The Gradual Release Plan
As a parent, I found an effective path to support by using a form of the gradual release model.
- I do. (you watch and learn)
- We do. (collaborate and we do together)
- You do. (you do independently)
If we take the example of cleaning the toilet. First, they watch and learn as I clean the toilet and explain the steps. Then, we clean it together, dividing the steps. Lastly, the child cleans the toilet independently. As a parent, you can use these steps for almost any task that you want your child to learn. It is important to keep in mind your child’s developmental age and their learning style. Keep the task small and make sure your child is able to complete it independently. If it is too much of a struggle to complete the task, that might mean the task is too big and needs to be broken down or that your expectations need to be adjusted.
As parents, we need to hold the flashlight on the present moment (here and now) and also the future (when your child is 30 years old and their frontal lobe is developed). What skill do you want to build in your child now that they will need when they are 30? This dual perspective will help you identify a skill and create your support plan, and hopefully lead you away from enabling and towards supporting independence and growth.
