Be Present (without participating)

Photo by Izabel 🏳️‍🌈 on Unsplash

How can I be present without participating?

During yoga class, my teacher stated, “Be present without participating.” At this moment, I was trying to keep my balance during a tree pose. I wondered what this phrase could mean. How can I be both present and not participate? Isn’t being present a way of participating? As I pressed my right foot into my left leg and tried to keep from falling, I thought that maybe this is what he means. Be present and do not engage with the wobble of every moment. If I remained present in my own core stability and calm, I could better maintain the pose. If I participated in the wobble, I might fall out. I needed to focus my eyes on one steady point.

Parenting and Wobbling

As a parent, I see this fine balance as a constant dance. Be present without participating. Sometimes, you may hear the phrase: Do not ride the roller coaster of each moment with your child. What does this mean? To me, it means not fully participating in the ups and downs of emotions that your child experiences. I think you can not ride the roller coaster of your child’s emotions and still remain fully present and compassionate, practicing equanimity. In fact, I think you are more helpful to your child if you are present without participating in this way. 

Many years ago, when my daughter was a young child just entering the social realm of elementary school, she would come home with a story about something that went wrong in class or on the playground with a friend. As a parent, I had a few options. I could fully engage and get roiled up in the emotions of the story or choose a different path. I could listen carefully, stay curious, and not participate in the high emotions of the moment. As a parent, I have done both! When I chose the path of fully participating in the emotions, my child usually shut down or escalated in their emotions. From experience, the second pathway of being fully present and not participating in the drama has been more effective for my parenting.

How do you practice being fully present and not participating as a parent?

• Notice your own emotions as your child is present. What is happening in your body and your mind?
• Develop and use tools for staying steady and calm.
• Focus on what your child is saying and not saying, and on their body language.
• Stay curious and ask questions. Refrain from judgment about your child or those involved in the situation.
• Ask them to name their feelings. Validate their feelings. Connect with your child before you offer correction or advice. This method lands better with most children. Connect by asking them how they feel and validating their feelings. “How did you feel when that happened? That must have been hard.”
• Try not to interview for pain. Do not look for all the pain points and ways things went wrong and point them out to them. Let your child sit with the moment, your questions, and process for themselves. 

What are the benefits of being fully present and not participating?

• Your child will become a problem solver and develop their skills in this area. They may make many mistakes, and this is part of the process of developing effective problem-solving skills.
• Your child will learn to self-regulate their emotions. They will learn from watching you stay steady and calm. They will learn from developing their own tools. 
• When you don’t participate in the emotional roller coaster, you are more able to provide a steady presence, and they can “borrow your calm.” Your calm presence gives them space and time to think and evaluate. When you are worked up because they are worked up, no one wins.

Parenting can be a bit like holding that precarious balance of the tree pose. It is important to be present and find a steady balance. If we lean in too hard or intensely, we just might topple over. What if we do not lean into the wobble of every moment? Maybe we lean in just enough to counterbalance and get steady again. The good news is when you fall out, you can just get back in. After all, that is what parenting is about: making mistakes, trying again, and slowly developing our skills. Be patient with yourself and your child. This skill takes time to develop for both of you.